Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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