This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
