So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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