Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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