Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
