My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
