ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
