I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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