does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
