YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
two words: eviction party
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
