moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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