ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
