I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
