Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
