You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
