I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
cat food counts as protein by the way
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
