Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
