I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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