The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
