That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How does one acquire holy water?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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