guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
