Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
