his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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