I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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