I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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