Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
