my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
