The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
