dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
