Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
