Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
