was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
