I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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