worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I party with great urgency now.
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