i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
