If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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