"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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