Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
