I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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