my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
