who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
