I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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