I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
