Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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