3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
