I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Found the puke drawer
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
