im having a threesome with these popsicles
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
