I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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