i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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