Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
